Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

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Authentic Power: What Is It?

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

When I say that love equals power, I am not referring to external power. We all know what external power looks like. It is the capacity and ability to control others – mentally, physically, culturally, religiously, politically, economically. Because it seems so much more desirable to control, rather than be controlled, for eons mankind has yearned for such power.

What has not been realized, till relatively recently, is that the defense against others’ power and control is not even greater power. That’s how wars start. The true defense is authentic power, rooted in Divine Love, which provides us with the inner strength, awareness, knowledge and guidance to preserve our autonomy and to remain free, safe and in harmony with all life.

What is does authentic power look like? What is it and how does it manifest as a life worth living? There are so few models of it around us it can be difficult to conceptualize, let alone embody. In his new book Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power, Gary Zukav brilliantly describes the hallmarks of life lived in authentic power, so much so that I think it is worth this rather extensive quote. I couldn’t articulate it better.

Zukav says:

“The more you cultivate loving parts of your personality and challenge frightened parts the more your personality becomes aligned with your soul. Eventually, the frightened parts of your personality lose their control over you and the loving parts create without limitation. Fear disappears. Your experiences become meaningful. Your attention is in the never-ending miracle of the eternal present moment. Your relationships transform. You are not “connected” to others any more than you are “connected” to your arm, hand or heart. You are part of them, and they are part of you. When they hurt, you feel them. When they are healthy, you are healthy.

Humbleness, clarity, forgiveness, and love replace fear. The world becomes a friendly place. You see the struggles and spiritual potential of others and the complexity and richness of their lives, even if they are not aware of them. Superiority gives way to appreciation. Inferiority disappears. The energy of your soul flows effortlessly through you in to the Earth school like the breath of a musician through a flute. Neither you nor others can tell where your personality ends and your soul begins. Gratitude, joy, meaning, and bliss fill your days. The seasons of your life come and go, carrying you forward like a river returning to the sea.

You consult intuition, choose your intentions consciously, move forward with an empowered heart, and act without attachment to the outcome. You do not presume to know how the Universe works or question the wisdom and compassion that shape your experiences according to the choices that you have made. You do your part and trust your nonphysical guides and Teachers to do theirs, take responsibility for your choices, and strive to contribute compassionately and wisely to Life. Each moment is full and complete. You think in terms of causes (intentions) and effects (experiences) instead of right and wrong, good and bad, fortunate and unfortunate. You know that a factor of karma is involved in your experiences, and so you do not take them personally. You give without expectation and receive without reservation. All that you need is given to you. This is authentic power.”

Posted in Awareness, Health and Physical Well Being, Love, Relationships | No Comments »

Are You Smart Enough?

Friday, January 13th, 2012

Our world reveres a high IQ, maybe not quite a much as money or beauty but high intellect comes in a close third. For sure, a strong intellect (left brain intelligence) allows us to understand and manage the physical environment. High intelligence is equated with a natural ability to solve abstract problems that so often bring concrete rewards – like high salaries -  they have just announced that Steve Jobs’ replacement at Apple will be earning over $380 million per year) and public accolades.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Silicon Valley over the last couple of years and I can say that  this area is the Hollywood for ’smart’ people. Not only is it the home of giants like Google and Apple, but is filled with small hi-tech start-ups whose founders’ dreams are almost uniformly to become as successful as the two giants or, failing that, to be bought out by them.

Last week William Poundstone published a book called Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google? which lists all the tests, puzzles, and trick questions that Google uses to sift the so-called super smart from the mere smart.

Interestingly, I lived for 20 years with a guy who could have slammed those tests. After obtaining a scholarship to Cambridge University he co-authored two papers with his Genetics professor which were published in professional journals before he’d finished his undergraduate degree. He measured in 1.0 percentile of the population on intelligence tests. He was almost always the smartest guy in the room. And yes, that led to above average remuneration throughout his working life.

But was he smart enough to live a good life? Was he smart enough to know that the matters of the heart trump the life of the brain when it comes to making good relationship, health and financial decisions? But more importantly, in a world where he was continually being told how smart he was, and with the knowledge of all the things this could bring him, was he smart enough to know what he didn’t know?

My experience over two decades of living with someone of his intellectual calibre was that yes, he was brilliant at solving all problems that had no emotional component. But when things got tough, when things seemed to crash and fall apart, he needed, and relied on, my right brain approach to life – an approach that is calm in the face of disaster, flexible in a time of flux, and has enduring confidence that all works for the best for all involved, no matter what, if only we can stay the path and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There are so many ways of knowing something. This world is only just beginning to see the possibilities of right brain ‘knowing.’ It might not make sense to the left brain, but as stroke survivor and Harvard trained brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor says, the left hemisphere has no role in our perception of forces and powers unseen. In her memoir My Stroke of Insight, in which she describes the effects of the stroke that temporarily incapacitated her left brain, she says:

“Based upon my experience with losing my left mind, I whole-heartedly believe that the feeling of deep inner peace is neurological circuitry located in our right brain…The first thing I do to experience my inner peace is to remember that I am part of a greater structure  – an eternal flow of energy and molecules from which I cannot be separated…Knowing that I am part of the cosmic flow makes me feel innately safe and experience my life as heaven on earth. How can I feel vulnerable when I cannot be separated from the greater whole? My left mind thinks of me as a fragile individual capable of losing my life. My right mind realizes that the essence of my being has eternal life. Although I may lose these cells and my ability to perceive this three-dimensional world, my energy will merely absorb back into the tranquil sea of euphoria. Knowing this leaves me grateful for the time I have here...”

True inner peace cannot be rationally or logically measured, calculated or created. It can’t be seen, only felt. It is the thought/feeling that rises up only when the left brain, the rational measurer and calculator, is silenced. IQ has nothing to do with it.

Posted in Awareness, Finding Inspiration and Flow, Money, Relationships, Work | No Comments »

It’s All About the Turkey

Sunday, December 4th, 2011

I flew with my kids to Cleveland, Ohio to spend Thanksgiving with old friends, the most loved of American holidays, Although sometimes the food ingredient combinations perplex me as an Australian, you just cannot go past Americans’ open-hearted hospitality and their love of tradition and ritual.

I find the American’s dedication to ritual both fun and reassuring. It’s a stake in the ground used to tether our affections, reminding us of who and what we really value and love in our fast-paced life, and to nudge us to devote our time and attention accordingly.

It seems to me, though, that the trick is not to be too attached to what the ritual celebration actually looks like in the end. This is where many a family relationship seems to falter. Relationships built on decades of loving care crash on the rock of inflexible and intransigent expectation, splintering into the lesser states of duty and obligation.

We all love our family and want to spend time with them when we know it will be a happy and peaceful experience. The most common obstacle to this is expectations based on past experience. Some people are so attached to the past they want to see it played on re-runs over and over.

But we all change and we all want and need different things as we change. Ritual celebrations like Thanksgiving, and Christmas, would be so much more fun – and more in the spirit of their purpose – if families could adjust and expand their notions of what these holidays can look like.

After all, the pumpkin which would sit alongside the turkey in Australia is customarily baked  in a pie with sugar and pecans. Even more bizarre to the antipodean taste, sweet potato is sometimes combined with marshmallows (I kid you not!) or baked, instead of apple, with a crumble topping.

Family members might come late, with their tattooed and/or gay partner, or not at all.

Whatever the details of the celebration look like, they are irrelevant. It’s all about the love that binds us which, like the turkey, just never changes.

Posted in Acceptance and Non-Judgment, Coping with Change, Family, Love, Relationships | No Comments »

Look Them In the Eyes

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

At times this life defeats me. On the outside most people would say I have an awful lot to be grateful for, and I have. I know this. But sometimes a tendency for depression creeps in and takes up residence for a few hours.

It mainly happens at night. As the sunlight disappears, its absence leaves a space for all things dark. I have developed strategies for dispelling the shadows of my mind: exercise, music, the company of good friends. Today it was this video a friend sent me:

I just read a couple of days ago that our eyes are our camera to the soul.  What we perceive with our eyes leaves an eternal record on that intangible part of ourselves that never dies. That which we perceive becomes part of us because it is the lens through which we see and interpret everything ‘out there’; it creates the space in which we operate in the world.

But it also reminded me the importance of looking others in the eyes when we communicate with them.

A few years ago I participated in a self-development group in India. One of the first exercises they had us do was to pair up with someone who was a complete stranger.  They told us to sit cross-legged facing each other and for five minutes just look, in silence, into each others’ eyes.

I teamed up with a young German fellow. We knew nothing of each other on a human level. As I stared into the depths of his eyes a deep sense of connection, affection and peace came over me. I felt like I knew him thoroughly, on a soul level.

I know he felt the same way, and we were both transformed by the connection. We had a special bond that existed for the duration of the course, and which I still feel today, six years later.

I realized that the human elements of our selves and our lives are merely a distraction. They are the mechanism that operate to keep us separate and isolated. When my partner and I by-passed the human forms of contact and communication – those that utilize the five senses – our souls took over and made an irrevocable and everlasting connection.

This video reminded me today to look everyone I meet in the eyes. Our eyes are a portal into the infinite divine, where we are all safe, beautiful and eternally connected. There is no room for the blues there.

Try it.

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Power In 2012: Hillary Clinton

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

The cover story of Time magazine this week pays tribute to the amazing contribution of American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the nascent revolutions of the people, dubbed the Arab Spring.

Clinton does things her way. And the emphasis is on her! (more…)

Posted in Awareness, LIfe and Death, Relationships | No Comments »

Presence

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

I had a friend who was always on the run. I really liked her a lot, she was friendly and outgoing. But more than anything, she was interesting, and interested. Extremely well read, well travelled, and actively engaged in contemporary culture, she was always up for a good hashing of the big ideas of the day. I found her refreshing.

The only problem was we rarely had time to sit and shoot the breeze; I had to snatch precious moments with her in the few minutes she stopped running – usually when she was picking up her three boys from school or attending a function together.

I remember vividly the one occasion when she had time to actually sit down and have a coffee with me. I felt privileged that she took this time with me. Ironically, it wasn’t long before I was ready to leave.

Although this was before the mobile phone had conquered the social world, my friend spent the whole time looking at her watch, distracted and restless. I quickly felt like I was keeping her from being where she really wanted to be. After a very short while I was happy to release her to that elusive destination in her head.

What occurred to me as I sat there, feeling like I just wasn’t worth her time, was an intense sadness that this sort of manic busyness probably created the same response in her boys. Although always physically present for them, it came to me that they probably felt her emotional absence deeply. I only had one morning coffee with her, and that was enough for me. They had to deal with it every day.

Now as the distractions of smart phones – providing 24/7 access to phone calls, texts, the internet, tv, games, twitter, Facebook – pose a new challenge for parents, it is a good time to ponder John Lennon’s insight: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”

The only way we can create the life we want is if we actually create it, rather than just allow life to happen to us. A requisite element of creating this life is presence.

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Soul Questions

Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about dating sites. Then I received an email with this poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

Next time you are on a date, forget the usual “what do you look like,” “what do you do,” “how much do you earn,” “what car do you drive,” “how many children do you want, and when?” Go to the real heart of the matter with an inquiry into the soul:

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

(By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperONE, San Francisco,1999 All rights reserved)

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Mismatch

Monday, September 12th, 2011

Dating sites like match.com have proliferated over the last few years and have entered the mainstream of life. So much so that people, upon observing the dearth of eligible men in my life, often ask me why I don’t use them.

It is true. There is a dearth. Since Ian died over six years ago I have dated no one. I have had a coffee with a couple of guys but you could hardly call them dates. It took less than five seconds for me to decide I wanted out, and I suspect they felt the same, and from there on we just went through the motions so as not to offend.

One guy I know, a linear left-brainer, is quite insistent that it makes logical sense to speed date. Based on statistics on the page, he is convinced I am much more likely to find a compatible man by appraising, and in return being appraised, in a matter of minutes.

But soul, love and destiny don’t fit easily on anyone’s page, or checklist. That is the point of it all. There is an irrational, indescribable, almost fated feel to the relationships we are destined to have, and anything less feels like an empty shell that we merely inhabit to avoid being alone.

And isn’t that why people use dating sites, because they are too afraid to be alone?

An older-than-her-years 24 year old young woman recently told me, she sees these sites as a way for people to find a quick fix for some lack or inadequacy in themselves and they are searching for that special someone to make them feel special, because they can’t feel it for themselves. They want someone who will make them feel smart, funny, beautiful, worthy, sexy, desirable (if not just to make a night pass) because for them, it’s only true when someone else says it.

Trouble is, just like after a while one cookie/beer/coffee/cigarette can’t satisfy our appetite and we start to need two, three, and more. That one person soon loses their shine and the insidious feelings of lack/inadequacy creep back again. And then on top of that, it is possible that we create a whole new set of karmic entanglements which we must eventually disentangle and balance.

Besides, ‘compatible’ doesn’t nearly do it. That is living life way too small for me!

I’m not looking for someone who can make me feel better about myself. I’ve learned to do that on my own. These last six years have been a crash course in self-knowledge, and thus, appreciation. It is an irreversible journey to self/Self that changes one forever.

I’m also not looking for someone to help me fit into others’ social boxes, even though sometimes it would be great to be one of the many couples in my life. But this brief moment of feeling excluded is just not enough to go through the suffering and angst of being in a mismatch.

If true love exists at all, it must exist within us first. No matter our relationship status, we carry that love with us and we find we are always “in” love. It needs no love object outside of ourselves.

But, if we happen to be in a relationship then it becomes a magnificent, soul-affirming, soul-feeding emanation, extension and enhancement of the healthy and whole love that already exists within us.

Now that’s a match made in heaven.

Posted in Awareness, Love, Relationships, Sex | 2 Comments »

Are We Worth It?

Thursday, August 25th, 2011

I recently had a conversation with a young mother who has a toddler which she not only loves being at home with but also understands the immense value of being a full-time mother to her gorgeous little girl. Despite this, she is thinking of going back to work.

When I asked why, she said she wanted the freedom to spend money – shoes and handbags were high on her list – without having to account to anyone else, namely her husband, for her periodic indulgences.

This seems to be a recurring and common attitude that I see in young (and even more mature) women, and sometimes men. They think that if they are not the ones directly responsible for earning the family income they have less right to that income. Using that logic the one who is not responsible for actually shopping, cooking and presenting the meal on the table would have less right to eat it.

Surely marriage and family life is a matter of teamwork, a division of labour that benefits all. It is only our societal worship of all things material, and by extension the currency that enables us to acquire them, that leads us to give greater value to the breadwinner.

So the fundamental question is: are we worth it? If we don’t think we are, then all the money in the world won’t change the persistent sense of emptiness we feel inside. which we try to fill with things outside of ourselves (bags and shoes are really good for this – don’t get me wrong every self-respecting woman needs a good supply of both, but it’s all in the intention behind the buying, not the act of acquiring itself).

If women valued themselves more and had a greater appreciation for their contribution to soul life of this planet – as well their invaluable and inimitable contribution to all aspects of life – we wouldn’t even have to ask the question.

Posted in Acceptance and Non-Judgment, Awareness, Family, Money, Relationships | No Comments »

Looking For Love

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

Love means different things, depending on which part of us that is doing the looking.

The soul/spirit part of us – the only part of us that is real or true – knows that we are inextricably linked with all life, and that everything we need we already have within us.  Everything we desire is there, waiting to be called on and brought to life. (more…)

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